I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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