hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
