hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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