I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
