I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
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I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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