mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
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That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
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My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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