in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
