I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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