don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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