just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
