Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
