best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
