I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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