btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
