maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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