How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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