OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
