So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
