I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Randomize
