anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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