capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
