I'm gonna have a badass scar
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
