i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
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