What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
