why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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