I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
