So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
