you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
