YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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