I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better