best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
