he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
