Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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