I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
