glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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