I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
