she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I accidentally burped into my bong.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
