did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
