i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
