she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
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I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
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I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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