I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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