Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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