I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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