right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
