Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
