i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.