but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.