hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
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