Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
25 Cringeworthy Below the Pants Injuries
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.