a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately