I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
