smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
