its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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