If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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