Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
