i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If I die, sorry about rent.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
