Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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