hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
