So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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