Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
His nipple licking is glorious
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